Ego you may ask...yes. After reading and researching the varying styles of yoga, deciding on ashtanga and reading the blogs of "seasoned" ashtangis, I was determined to do exactly what they do, practice for a full hour for the prescribed 6 days a week. Big no-no for me. I thought I was...capable enough as them, that if they could do it, so could I. And in many ways this is very true. I am capable of doing it, just not right now. I'm at different starting place then them, but most importantly I am not them. I have my own journey that in retrospect needed to begin slowly and gradually, not quickly and with force. I shouldn't have rushed into practicing in the beginning for 6 days at a time. I should have started off with let's say 3 or 4 and then worked my way to 6. I shouldn't have jumped right in. It wasn't the best way to start for me at that time in my life. The last thing I needed was to continue overwhelming myself and adding to my already filled plate of thesis writing, course work, working, studying, preparing for teacher exams, classroom observation and just living. The last thing I needed to do was attempt to do a dynamic and intense yoga practice for at least an hour, 6 days a week, after not having any kind of asana practice for a year or so....duh (as I hit myself on the head in honor of the 3 Stooges).
But after school was finished and a job had been obtained, there was no reason for me not to re-start and re-establish an asana routine; attempting to do complete sets of Surya Namaskars, which only require about 20-30 minutes or so of my morning. But still I couldn't be consistent. I would go for 2 days here or 3 days there and some weeks I did absolutely nothing. Here is where the laziness came in. I just couldn't get myself onto the mat. And it wasn't because I was repulsed by asanas or thought they were pointless. Deep down in a itsy bitsy corner of my Self, I yearned to be on the mat, continually progressing and truly diving into the primary series, but the rest of me was just too strong. It is said that laziness is a type of karma and the only way to break through it, is to be like Nike and "just do it" no matter what energy needs to be exerted to do so. It has taken me months to realize this and actually put it to good use. In some instances where laziness is present and not a feeling akin to an allergic reaction or repulsion, force is necessary. Sometimes you have to make yourself do it regardless of what your "temporary, not the real you" feelings are saying.
And after almost 2 and half months of battling with...my Self and me, I've finally realized that I must be consistent no matter what, but also remain flexible and compassionate with my Self. I must remember to take small, manageable bites, instead of huge ones bigger than my mouth. My journey is my own and NO ONE can dictate to me what that journey will look like. I must walk it alone. And if this can't appear to get any more convoluted than it already is, you must also remember when fear is an obstacle verses it just not being the right time.
Along with ego and laziness keeping me from developing a consistent asana practice, I have remained at a practice consisting of 5 Surya Namaskar A's and fluctuated between 4-5 Surya Namaskar B's, whenever I have practiced. I have thought from time to time that I was ready to progress and even made the necessary video preparations to move forward in the primary series to the standing postures, but I haven't actually made that move yet. At first I was telling myself that I wasn't ready. That I couldn't do the postures because I needed to be extremely flexible or have strong legs to lift them up without a strap. I was fearful. Fearful, yet again, of not being able to do the standing postures like everyone else without aids, without added adjustments of modifications. I forgot that yogic asanas are meant to be modified so that EVERY-ONE and EVERY-BODY can practice. Especially in the beginning stages of practice.
So now that I've proven to myself that I am capable of practicing at least a minimum of 5 days a week (5 Surya Namaskar A's and 4 Surya Namaskar B's), getting rid of the ego and laziness present, I will keep to a minimum weekly practice of 5 days, no matter if I have to do it at night (which I would hate by the way) or later in the day. But more importantly, I will move forward. With Kino's primary series converted and loaded onto my Kindle, I will begin diving into the standing postures. I'm not exactly sure how far I will go or how far my body is ready to go. So that will be a post for another time. But what I do know is that fear can no longer serve me, can no longer keep me from walking forward on my spiritual path. I will no longer allow it to turn me around and regress and even worse keep me stuck in one place on the journey, not moving backwards nor forwards, not allowing me to stretch my legs and walk. I'm ready and energized. After months of moving backwards, forwards, backwards again and just staying in one place for fear of what may happen if I take a step in either direction, I am finally walking again in more ways than one.... :-)
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